RUN!

"Into this world we're thrown, like a dog without a bone.."

I often feel I can't fight these abstract elements on my own. I'll end up being too lonely. Too exhausted.

Yes, I'm angry. Situations. Unwanted actions. Rude words. Apathy. Meanness. Jealousy. Stupidity. INDIFFERENCE. And justifications for the same.

Anger, I've learnt makes things easy. Hatred, distrust and disgust in general. For everyone. Fair game. It saves me the element of surprise when people betray, back-stab or ruthlessly murder your faith. Also, gives me a self-defence mechanism against myself developing expectations from anyone. Expectation is a bitch. I used to think expecting as much you can deliver in reciprocation is fair. But FUCK fairness. People who said that this isn't a fair world, weren't all whining.

Anyway, this anger induces a lot of energy within my body. And I feel the need to channel it, direct it somewhere. An set myself free. I run.

That has always been my passion. I do it with a lot of vigour. And then I think of all the things that have been in the past couple of months. My jaws tighten up. Regrets. Concerns. Shit-on-my-face insults. I pull my muscles together as if trying to run away. And the temperature rises. From my forehead to my feet. I find it comforting to push myself into extremities of physical activeness stretching upto the point where breakdown occurs.

Even when my lungs give up, I drag myself for some distance. Mostly thinking of situations where I should've put in some extra effort.

And thinking is an act I cannot avoid. The chain, true to it's continuous nature, moves on from one thought to another.

I have too many things to say. I just don't know how.

Some days it rains. My footsteps set deep into the muddy waters, splashing all around. The sweat lines on my forehead dissolve into the pouring rain. The green of the trees gets sharper and brighter. This makes my head light. This adds to the spirit and the vigour.

Atleast at the end of the day, I am tired. I've exhausted all my energy, satisfied my anger. I can't think anymore. I sleep with an empty mind, empty conscience; to start up with life as soon as I wake up the next day. But scruples, I hate them. This isn't how I am. I never stopped smiling. I never chose to forget or ignore or avoid, I just want my folks happy. And I have what will keep me going. INDIGNATION.


"People don't know what its like to be angry in the bone"

Positive or Negative!

Negativity. It does suck. Only if you dwell in it and make your life a misery! People often tend to play down things that they can't handle correctly.

Let's be real, negative possibilities do exist, as good as the chance of a positive outcome. There's uncertainty associated, either way. There's nothing brilliant about being an optimist or pessimist.


It's science. Schrodinger's cat, a thought experiment. And boy, I do love to relate quantum science to real life! Electrons & protons, matter & anti-matter - these are the other ways to make the same point.

In his theory, Schrodinger put a cat in a box. There is some mechanism in the box that may kill the cat or not. There is a lid and we cannot see the cat. After some time, we pose the question, is the cat alive or dead? Schrodinger says the cat must be either alive or dead. A simple case of super-imposed probabilities. People with some interest in Mathematics and Physics will dig upon this.

A 50-50 chance that the cat is alive or dead. Or we can say the cat is both dead and alive at the same time!

I say, you could mourn for the cat or be happy for it, only after you are certain of which of the two events actually took place. Or just be baffled! The curiosity to look inside that box, is the only thought in question, and the only sensible thing to do. You can never know until you know!

Maybe you're a positive person who thinks too much. Maybe you're a negative person hoping against hope. Maybe you're a realist and you can go with the flow, either way!

The perfect case will be that I do hope that the cat is alive, and I do request the people on the other side of the control panel, "Please don't kill it!*" 

GROWING UP III!

Continued from GROWING UP II!

Another day I'd never forget, came on one of the playgrounds of my school. There was a belief in us, 7th graders back then. When you can't, you don't! It's cool to be that way. Especially when we are talking about a 1600. A 1600m race. A 1.60 kilometers race. Must've been a cranky mood, mine, that I took part! Or maybe because one of my friends said he would. Then we both did. 8 rounds of the 200m circular track. At the beginning of my 4th round, the first two boys were, well, galaxies ahead of me.. Reality check, I was as lanky as could be, they were beasts. I was 4feet4, they were both taller than 5feet6, I'd guess! But I wasn't alone, or so I had assumed.. 5th round on, and there was no one behind me. Shucks. What-a-loser, one might think. Maybe I did too. But then I noticed, there were just the two man-beasts ahead of me. Right, no one completes the 1600. Not unless you are a man-beast!

I knew exactly why, amidst my broken breaths. My lungs seemed seaming at bursts. Or bursting at seams, I wouldn't know.. my brain didn't work. Face was red, I knew by the burning sensation. Sweating profusely, I'd lost count. I'd lost the sense of position. My legs kept hitting the ground. And just as I was going to give up, even stopped, at the far-end, one of them shouting, last round, last round! Okay.. okay, I frowned. Let's complete it, half-a-round more!

Only to realize it wasn't the last. Fuck you, I might have wanted to say to that fool, only if I knew the words :P But save the embarrassment, I thought. Let's see where this gets you. A chance to land THIRD in a 1600! Oh-bloody-yes! And I swear, that day the sun landed upon the fields of Jaipuria School; bigger, brighter and hotter than we'll ever feel. And over there, I created history. Well, my own-personalized history. 3rd, in a 1600m. One of the most confident days of my childhood, as I look back at it, even though now I run 7km every day.

As I compile my words this evening, I had a fight with my mom.. she was throwing away my precious, old and apparently useless walkman, that I had hidden from her reach, GASP ..so far! Later I made her some coffee, and declared, "पर  अगर  आपने  हमारा  walkman फेका  तो  फिर  से  अपनी  लड़ाई  हो  जायेगी !" *wink-wink*

Then I realize my childhood was more precious to one lady ..much more than anyone, than me. And she's right here with me, reminding me that I'll never grow up ..never big enough to let my spirits fade, never grow up enough to let my energy down ..to let the excitement desert me! Kudos.

GROWING UP II!

Continued from GROWING UP!

You could have me running halfway across the local park in my underpants.. Not that you'd want to ..not that I was any comfortable with nudity even at the kiddish-est levels; it's that sometimes you just don't care!


I happened to know a psycho-killer when I was young. Atleast I thought he was. A PSYCHO-KILLER. I must've been a combination of genius and dumb, to be knowing that..and still cracking a joke on his face. Turns out, Mr. Killer wasn't quite accustomed to humor, or he thought throwing mud into my eyes was funny. So we had it, and next day I remember chasing him down with a cricket bat in my hand! Our local gangs, wassup brotha? 

Not destructive though, I was very much pro-anti-villains.. I learnt to kick some ass! Suniel Shetty and Akshay Kumar helped.. A LOT! Hehe.. reminiscences of that movie, "Tu cheez badi hai mast mast.." I know.. I know, you get it.. exactly the shit I'm dealing into ;-)


For me, schools sucked. Discipline. Rules. Schedule. Limitations. Homework. Shucks, never did that! Then I was forced to turn it into fun. My first bunk, if I may call it that, "happened" back in 6th standard; an English lecture. The bunk was rather thrust upon me by my Art Teacher - she was beautiful and I don't remember her name! - who made me wait after her class for some random errand(she was beautiful, told you :P ). And then, supported by the possibility of Mrs. Shefali eating me alive for being late, I chickened out.. Ms. Shefali was my English teacher. She was a bad-ass. VERY VERY! Aah, Goosebumps! She turns her head towards you, and you're a goner boy! It was more of a scare than a dare.


Every good time has a beginning, and that was just it. Reminiscences of the old Principal-guy chasing us down the corridor mark the epitome of a fantasy. After all, my bunk-gang had that MAP traced out! Including the abandoned Girls' toilet. And the circuit-room. And the carpenter's room. Who could beat us? Not even the architect of our massive school-building! And above all that super-shit, knowing exactly what time which staff-room was gonna be empty, was kick-ass-est! Countless minutes spent in those cool-down spots, especially when being chased - priceless!


Imagine this. On a rainy morning of August, the 15th precisely.. This girl comes up to me and tells that we have to sing this song after the Independence Day parade. Music teacher's orders. Orders? No shitting, but let's be real, she was beautiful too..not the girl, my Music Teacher. My Music Teacher. She had this aura around her..and she sang like a nightingale, only that I've never heard a nightingale sing :P


Reasons can be many, but the fate was decided. Perhaps one of the best days of my life till then. Enter John Lennon. That soothing voice, the lyrics. It would be many many years later that I'd idolize that man, and his ideals! But there was something about Imagine. Always!


And there's something about music. It takes me where I want to be. It's one thing that never fails me. If my childhood hadn't been shaped this way, I might have turned into a Pritam-fan, thank some people for saving me though :P

So it goes on..!! GROWING UP III!

BEST UNSAID

"What the hell am I doing?"


I don't know. And I don't believe in it. But this is not how I've always been. Sometimes I look around a lonely street and realize that I have lost the purpose of being there. That instant, the very moment of my existence ceases to exist. Sometimes I'm tempted to lose myself into a dream with my eyes wide open. A parallel world, the impact of what is and what should never be. Yet the mind is at peace. The state of calm survives, just a few ripples in the deep ocean. Mystification of the mind. Questions.

The force isn't strong enough to trouble me. That's how I've grown up, answering self-created questions. Why does it rain? Where does the sun go during the night? Why do we eat food? How does a bicycle move? What is gravity? How does electricity work? Who makes the laws? Why do we vote for the government? Why do people make money an obsession over a simple necessity? Why are the poor and the rich the way they are? Is God fair? Does God even exist?

Books, education, learning, people.. they helped a lot. But sometimes you know that there's no answer. Sometimes the question is void. This question cannot pierce through the mind's peace, but the actions lose importance. No music, no friends can walk you out of the state of nothingness.

Everyone's there and everything's the same. But something's missing. I have lost a considerable amount of trust. Trust that people around had in me. It's obvious and no one has to say it. No one has to deny it.  A phase of my life I had thought I'm a loner. I screwed up. I am happy I'm back. But rebuilding faith takes time. All I need to know is why am I doing it. It helps the cause; knowing what you are at.

Screwing up helps. It's like enlightenment, if taken rightly. Apparently that's the only way out. Way out. My inquisitiveness gets me to a point where I wonder what exactly is the way out? Where does this road go?

With hopes of preserving the life and people I have now, I want to make sure I do not repeat my mistakes.  I don't ever want to be back where I have been. I want to put in a fight. I want to use my strength. And I hate to lose more than I want to win.

This is how I work. I would sit on the night before an exam, half the time I'd invest in planning what I am going to do in the next few hours. Works to perfection, this, for me.

I feel the peace of mind, I love this state of calm. But the ripples, what are they? Does a stationary state exist? What if peace-of-mind isn't a state? Happiness certainly is, an instantaneous one. Treating peace-of-mind as quantitative, maybe it isn't proportional to the number of questions answered. Maybe it grows, like the ever expanding universe. Or maybe it just drops into a fourth dimension, that human mind isn't capable of perceiving.

Sometimes we need time to think. Sometimes we need to stay alone for a while to catch up with our family and friends. Sometime we need Mother Nature and Daddy Destiny to teach us a valuable lesson to carry on. Sometimes we need to strike the right balance between being complacent and being competitive. Sometimes we need to test our strength in the extreme. Sometimes we need to prove our worth, to ourselves. Sometimes the void questions are answered in the void.


Bah! sometimes we need to take a break from thinking all this crap. Sometimes we need to get over this shit. Put an end to everything, and be free. Somethings are best unsaid. That's the awesomeness of an adventure, right there ;-)


Or sometimes we all just wanna be big rockstars, live in hill-top houses, driving fifteen cars..! :P


Anyway, sometimes it is some time. And some time is now.