Kurt Cobain : The Man Who Sold The World

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Kurt Cobain. A man whose death said more about him than his birth. When such men are talked about; no date-of-birth's are mentioned. Years they lived need not be counted : this is all irrelevant. To me, he was born the day I read this line in a miscellaneous article; and I linked Cobain's name to his image on a dude's T; and will perhaps live as long as I do.  Needless to say how restless I was reading the quote. I always believed in this thought; but no way a rockstar writes this! That's pretentious, I must've thought then. Not knowing what I was about to discover, for my own good!!

I read a lot about him. Nirvana. Grunge rock. I had heard all his albums in no time. Kurt had been this multi-talented boy good in all forms of art. The style of his death pinched me. But his legend was quick in influence upon me. A guitar in his hand increased my excitement for Guitar and gave me my latest love. John Lennon has been my idol ever since I heard IMAGINE. After having done enough research about this great man, Kurt Cobain was my idol too. And one day I read in an article on the internet :  Cobain called John Lennon his idol. And my joy was beyond expression! I've heard from some that a man who did heroin and perhaps under its effects, shot himself, cannot be an idol to a normal person. If that is so, I don't care what is normal.

In my opinion, every great band in the past had a genius whose intelligence worked magic for them. The soul  of the group's works. For Nirvana, Kurt was the genius. Visibly, many rockers don't know names of the other two members(or others who didn't stay). Nirvana's most successful song was Smells Like Teen Spirit. Another popular song Rape Me's guitar was basically Smells Like Teen Spirit backwards. Cobain thought that if a song was played backwards it would take on a new character.

Cobain's music continually challenged social evils. This song (Rape Me) was from the perspective of a victim replying to a rapist; again the reverse of  Polly which is from the perspective of the rapist, and is based on a true incident. Bob Dylan commented hearing the song, "The kid has a heart".To emphasize on Cobain's intentions; Nirvana played some benefits to help rape victims, including the "Rock Against Rape" concert in 1993, which raised money for a women's self-defense organization.

Clearly stating his sensibility, he was a different human-being. Where the social setup deters Man from going beyond limits, a thinker of Cobain's league is declared abhorrent. He was into heroin. He had been jailed for vandalism. His use of drugs prompts towards an escape that he was seeking. Although, this cannot be justified to moralists, I linked all his life up. The divorce of his parents is said to have an adverse effect on Kurt as a kid. But that wasn't the only problem. I found all answers in his philosophies, his Journals, and his suicide note.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not"

His suicide note made people reconsider this quote of his.
He wasn't loving the music he had enjoyed all these years. A brainstorm of thoughts; that would kill him each time. Use of heroin was for the escape; he often pointed the dark side of doing drugs. He was too sensitive. He said he hated all humans; felt sorry for them because he loved them too much.

His search for happiness in the same world had lost hope. His work didn't give him anymore pleasure. The reason he said was that I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child. This numbness was all that he was seeking. This links us to another of Nirvana's song Dumb. This song describes the condition of a dumb person; as for some reason he is always happy, no matter what. Kurt Cobain, who had been declared one of the best songwriters, the grunge legend, wasn't happy about any thing. He often related to Buddhism and Jainism, though he was a Christian. And certainly not pretentious. The man couldn't use a shotgun in his mouth if he is faking! His thoughts were beyond our, the lesser mortals' perception. His life wasn't fun to him and :  The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun.

After his death, Nirvana grew in popularity higher than ever before. Kurt Cobain as a dead man, built a larger fan following. A cult rose in his remembrance. Grunge rock started to be considered his genre. Unplugged in New York topped the charts. Some claimed him to be talentless. Suicide was condemned by many. But that man was more than his music, his life, his possessions. His search was for Nirvana. He had no desires. He chose freedom....
And whenever somebody questions his death, the lines he asked the world to remember, mystify my mind..

I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Dream on!! dream until your dream comes true....

Have you ever followed a dream?

It was like two different people inside my head, talking. Baffling my mind. A dream? Well, I sleep pretty deep, and dream every other night! But that wasn't what it was about. I was trying to answer my own questions. Within my head. I had never done this before. Felt like I was sick.

But could not help it. The question I myself created, never left me alone. No answers popped up from the sub-conscious. I decided to think over it. Have I ever dreamt? Yes! Now I knew what this was about. It was a question I had to answer. No more escapes. A query that could have kept my fresh plans at bay. It was about a challenge I was trying to take up. It was about CAT. The big one!!

I am quite lucky with company I get. Since I was a kid, I have had good friends, healthy family relations, and quality competitors. Lucky, because I never worked hard to gain these. Perhaps the reason I never valued the same. Company that kept telling me I was brilliant, had a lot of potential. I had a good academic record back then(what mates used to call toppers), loved almost any kind of sport and was participative in all the 'third-world acts' of a kid. A complete affair. Never concerned though. But times passed, environment around me changed and so did I. More inclination towards things that entertain. School was no more fun. For ranks I even slipped out of top 10 of my class. I knew not what was coming.

Mediocrity, now it shows in me. My lifestyle. Considering sports, I support Rafael Nadal. A great player. Yet Roger Federer is considered the best ever in tennis. But I am a die-hard fan of his(Nadal). I support Liverpool FC, although the club has been dominated by bigger footballing giants Man Utd and others for past 20 years. Because when they win, I see some hope. Champions we have been. Greatest ever club. But in a condition of high uncertainity, in current years. The abilities, the skills are all there. But things dont seem working. When the underdogs turn the world upside down, its like what I have wished for years.  People writing them off. The system against them. Lo! and still they managed it! Thats a bigger champion for me than any other. The dark horse.

Mediocrity, a world where I didn't belong at all, according to the people who knew me. But the facts said I was badly stuck in it. All the winner qualities were gone. I was unable to deliver in any kind of challenge. Because I was satisfied. The zeal never broke up within me. And even if I did excel somewhere, I was considered a surprise outcome. People would commend even if I was beaten. Just because I took that task up! Still things didn't bother me. I said to myself, 'I just did it, and I can do it again, anytime'. I simply felt better off not doing it. Except that one time when I had a desire to prove to couple of my teachers that I wasn't a loser in +2, where I went all out for Mathematics(although I got 99); I never even tried. Mediocrity had me.
 

And on today's date I was confused again. I had had bad experiences with graduation in engineering. Low on performance, lack of initiatives, an uninterested and laid-back attitude. And then this miraculous thing happened to me. Final semester of engineering. And I was DETAINED. Attendance concerns. Infact I had no attendance at all. I was popular in my college; for all the wrong reasons. Every student knew the name.. and I felt pointed fingers matching my face to it. The first ever bolt to my satisfied self! A bolt at a time when I was to carve out my career. I had plans, cliched though, but all were compromised. A certified loser.

Still I call it miraculous. And human-beings don't share bad miracles. There are no bad miracles. I took it far too optimistic to hurt me. I wasn't pathetic. I did not want to face pity. It is comforting; but sorry, comfort could deprive of the strength; I'd moved on pretty quickly. "Nothing's gonna change my world". Music of The Beatles kept playing in my mind. I informed every person who mattered, no inhibitions to stop me; and unhappy as I wasn't, people gave me all support and no pity. Lucky as I am with friends. :) To me this meant something new. Maybe it was time to think. I knew, I had nothing to lose now. Visibly. Something that had been restrained inside me for 20 odd years, and has been struggling to pop out. Something revolutionary. And it shapes my career too. I figured it out. I was taking CAT.

I reckoned the glory that CAT carries with it. Logical reasoning, basic quants and verbal abilities were all that it tests. Something is special about this one, I always thought. Even considered taking it before. But this time something was different. Some spark in me. Why CAT? Honestly the glory I talk of. The fields it tests upon. And the CHALLENGE it poses. That's all. I didn't want to know what was lying post-CAT. "Why MBA?" is not my question. I didn't care. A friend of mine to whom I owe this. We built this dream together. Not to suspect his efforts, he has already made it to Joka-land this year. IIM-C. The huge one. That's like Nishant! And when he was revered by all, I realized he had turned into a person I looked upto. Will always cherish those memories mate, and truly, you have my admiration(in absentia:))

CAT was the big platform where I could excel and leave behind mediocrity. At the same time that would take care of the million-dollar word 'career'.

Have I ever possessed a dream? NO! not before today; and that's the difference between yesterday and tomorrow. Now I dare to.

I dont know yet where I will land up, or where I stand. But this energy has to be of a winner. I dare to dream of an IIM C call converted..

A book I had read a few years back, Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach, means a lot to me. Every line of that book is like a holy sermon to me. It proves that a dream you live, makes you immortal. A seagull who dreams to fly high. Fly, not just to feed itself. But for the love of flying. The challenge. For me, what will be, is in the future, waiting for me. Waiting because I have dreamed about this. I have created the world for me. What others think, I have never ever cared, and this continues.

This is life-affirming. This sets an upbeat mood. Have I ever dreamt? Yes... I finally have a lucid dream. And I am gonna live it for sure!!

I realise..

I am as yet a boy; not build into a man,
I think;I talk, and wanna take my stand.
I, with no efforts, try being 'me',
But that's perhaps not what the world wants to see..


I live life the cool and suspended way;
without caring much what others have to say.
I drive myself into a world of my own,
where there isn't discomfort, nor is pessimism known.


I enjoy every moment I live now-
I find myself right but just cant prove how.
Then the social devil tries to uproot my perfect abode;
the happy-go-lucky me is dead; or perhaps a changing mode


I face the hardships; that's my plight;
But the optimism still lives in me: making it all too light.
I dare not rebel, I don't know against whom to,
The world isn't my enemy, though my frenz are few


I now hear people around me talking,
Some seriousness 'I' am lacking.
What kind of serious am I supposed to be?
Forget all positives, and forget I am free?


I know I think wrong now, coz surviving isn't hard;
But who's ideas are gonna guide me, is there any such bard?
Those who talk, I just cant trust them;
Coz they say they've never been 'me' or same.


I realize it maybe a phase, a transition then;
coz I ain't not a boy, n certainly not yet a man.
The world hasn't actually changed, its the other way round;
And I thought those were hardships: now funny it may sound.


But its time I grow, I start to decide,
Have secrets, and learn to confide(?)
But never will I lose my optimism, I know-
Coz to think all this, thats what I tried not to show! :)