The Transition

It's not a sacrifice
Not grandiosity
It's a choice
I choose that which gives me satisfaction.

It's not a rejection
Not abstinence
It's acceptance
I accept what makes sense to me.

It's not a momentary lapse
Not transience
It is existence
I exist within each passing moment.

It's not a bail out
Not escapism
It's liberation
I soar free into my own salvation.

It's not a delusion
Not phantasm
It's a dream
I dream.. of making it real..

Sorry Seems To Be A Poor Substitute

By the time grew up, in our budding Hinglish environment, we had been equipped with those three magic words like anti-ballistic missiles to chase down every gesture of niceness showered at us, and bombard them at people all around the world. Afterall, there are 470 million speakers of the English language. PLEASE, SORRY and THANK YOU.

Or as today's internet mob would suggest, Plz, sry n ty.

These words probably pioneered the odd Hinglish movement in India. Picture a 2 year old, uttering these words, polished upon their innocent barely eloquent skill-sets. Oh sorry, pictures don't have sound effects.. Well, anyways..

With time, these words have become fillers - in a conversation. I have been told time and again how I lack the art of indulging in a healthy conservation.. that I lack the social conventions.. that I'm socially awkward.. I respond to these allegations by throwing taunts about the fake nature of these build-ups leading to a social congress, which everyone around the room recognizes to be bogus - but - fake begets fake!!

Yes, I know I am socially inadequate. Yes, I lack that skill, to make and fake. Or even the innocent art of a polite conservation. I fail to comfort the people I care, with use of wise words. I fail to assure the people I've always wished best for -  that I do.

But still I wish.. and I plead.. There was no "sorry". I do not want an emotional supremacy over anyone. Where I am not worthy enough to impart forgiveness, and you are so much more than just willing to make it up - I just wish you'd rather hold my hand up firmly, look in my eyes with the same conviction that I carry for the people around me, and tell me - "Let us both make sure this does not happen again". To that, I'd just smile, as honestly as I always have..

Sorry is a poor substitute. A poor one.

♫"...coz you know sometimes words have two meanings"

वो कटी पतंग..

आसमान में बेसुध सी,
चौवाई में बहती इक नए सवेरे की ओर
जूझ रही थी, हो रही थी मलंग
वो कटी पतंग..

आखिर उसका मूल छूटा था!
अपनी गश्त खो उसका अभिमान टूटा था;
ख्यालों में, हर पल खोती अलंग,
वो कटी पतंग..

सुबह की रौशनी में ऊंचे-नीचे पेड़ों पर से गुज़रती,
पत्तों पे रखी ओस की बूंदों को चांदी सा चमकता देख
कुफ़राना, फिर भी बहती हवा के संग -
वो कटी पतंग

सोचे वो - मेरा एक आसमाँ है, और मैं आज़ाद;
इक डोर की रहमत हो जाऊं, या अपने सितारे खुद चमकाऊँ
मैं तो रसिया - लपेट लूँ दुनिया के रंग,
मैं कटी पतंग..

इस पल में घुलना ही मेरा निसर्ग हो जाए
इस सफर पे हो जाऊं निसार,
फलक की हदों को चीर दूँ - नाज़ करें मुझ पर वो
मैं एक कटी पतंग..

कि देखो न, एक नन्ही चिड़िया
अपने घरौंदे के झरोखे से झांकती है
सोचे यही, मैं भी हो जाऊं
इक कटी पतंग....

I'll not say a word..

You lament for all that could have been. Everything you see, now or then, your prodigy - groomed and guided under the sun with the control as simple as a slick tap of your feet. But I wish I was there too.

I put forth this question to you, with my own resilience, my own sense of right and wrong. Right OR wrong. They think it's defiance; some say it's arrogance. I could be defiant, if I had ever accepted the standards put forth me. Then again, I wish not to displease anyone.

In the words you say, there's a choice you've made.

You can look to the other side. You can shut your eyes.

But when the right time comes, and it will - it won't grieve your absence. This moment will transform into a triumphal silence. 

I'll not say a word..

..You'll notice.

And I promise, when you open your eyes, I'll find you, again. And the world 'll not be the same place as you knew it. Your intentions were never bad, you'll be glad. 

But you'll be left wishing you had been a part of it all.

Answers are not found here

I am here because I wanted to speak the truth. Perhaps it is a part of my struggle to accept the truth, for my own good. Today I will be blunt with words and shy of restraints. I have lost a friend.

It  is shocking how easily  these words gather, even before I fathom the meaning of this phrase in my mind, on my notebook, or the harshest of all realities - life. The complete existence of a being, the energy around him, the voice that was, yesterday - everything just wiped out in the fury-dance of "fate" as many are calling it.

Inevitably, this happens to lives. I never knew, fortunately. I should have known better. There has been a noticeable dryness since that rain could never seep into. A frozen mind and tired eyes, seeking the comfort that could possibly be derived only from favorable answers. Or a reversal of events. Neither seems likely, even in this desolation.

I selfishly talk of myself. Self-centered, as we humans are. Maybe. Perhaps because looking at the big picture is so much more difficult. People have been talking of sufferings and attitude towards life and positivity and happiness. I don't see much in their eyes. Was he not happy about the life he lived, so perfectly? Did he not deserve to add more to the perfect world he was trying to create for his first-born, a little girl, who entered this world just one week prior to give him the greatest kind of happiness a man has ever known? Just one week. Last we met, we were discussing girl names starting with letter 'D'. And the news, I learned two days later. It was supposed to be his birthday that day.

There is a strong sense of emotion that boils up within to think of this. Hatred.. for something.. or perhaps anger, neither of which have any reason or medium to be dragged along or vented out. Helplessness. I have never felt so weak inside. I do not carry ambitions to tame the world, but I would like to know that that there is something I could have done. I wish..

The unknown, the unseen, where we have no control.. to where the conscious has only ever been carried by musings, wanderings of fantasies or fear.

In my desperation, I could stick to anything. Anything. But, the answers are not to be found here. This occurred to me when I realized that in reality, there are no questions. Just an inert, inexpressive void.

Maybe I was looking for something else.

Today, amidst a crowd of thousands gathered to celebrate Janmashtami nearby, I tried to keep myself busy. I looked, and found too many people with too much hope - strong faith.

I looked, but I did not find God.

Strange faces,
Disguised scruples,
Tangled realities,
Veiled intentions..

Imprecise acuity,
And the faith in goodness.

Too Human

Life's too existential
Facts too real
Truth is too honest
Too good - the best
Happiness is too satisfied
Pain is too compromised
For, my friend, I am too human
And too sinister is my demon
It's a joke, I can't take it
A smile, I can fake it
Circle of negligence -
The wheel imprudently spun
'I care not', I'm too human
Passivity, indifference and apathy
I subsist, I am too human.

हम फिर आएंगे..

अभी आँख खुली, मुँह भी नहीं धोया - बस साथ मिला तो निकल जाते थे
इधर गली की गरमा-गरम जलेबियाँ, उधर पुल के नीचे मैंगो आइसक्रीम खाते थे

साइकिल के पेडल पर सवार, दो-दो को ढोकर लखनऊ की गड्ढों भरी सड़कों पर
चल पड़ते थे अपनी छोटी सी दुनिया के नज़ारे आँखों में भर

चार रोज़ पुराने किस्सों में साहित्य बनाते थे,
और अठन्नियाँ जोड़ते चले तो हम अपनी गणित भी यहीं लगाते थे

इक वो कल था जहाँ अपनी मसरूफियत में घंटे-पहर, दिन-रात हो जाया करते थे.…
और एक आज है जो एकटक देखो तो घड़ी के कांटे भी मख़्सूस मज़मूनों पर ही टिक-टिक करते हैं!

ऐसा तो नहीं है की हम उस सफर पर फिर से जाना नहीं चाहते
दो की  चार कर अपनी महफ़िल में अनायास यूँ ही बतियाना नहीं चाहते

अरे कोई समझाता हमें की रास्ता तो मंज़िल की ओर निकल ही जाता है
नादानों! ये वक़्त जो गुज़रा तो फिर पलट कर नहीं आता है

बस यूँ कह दें - कि गर कोई फ़लसफ़ा उस उमर में बना जाते
तो कैसे बचपन की उस नादानी में खो पाते?

थोड़ा ग़म है, उस बेफिक्री के एहसास को शायद भूल गए हैं
कुछ कर-गुजरने की बारिश में लकड़ी जैसे फूल गए हैं

पर अपनी ज़िद पर भी क्या खूब ऐतबार है- अपने यार के साथ वो ख़ुशी फिर देखेंगे-
ज़िन्दगी के चूल्हे पर मुस्कुराहटों की मद्धम आंच में दोस्ती की नरम रोटी फिर सेकेंगे!

हम फिर आयेंगे, फिर एक बार तड़के ही छज्जे पर लटक कर देखंगे, इस बार वो आवाज़ देंगे
तब न हम कुछ बोलेंगे, न वो कुछ पूछेंगे - फिर अपनी वही धुन - हम अपना वही साज़ छेड़ेंगे

Not Good

There was an uprising, if so we believe, somewhere in December 2012. Intellectuals were in divided opinions, some skeptical - others hopeful. Some backed the "People's Revolution" with not-ignoble facts like awareness, alertness, dutifulness, reaction etc. Some called it a sentiment overflow.. an in-vogue activity, a social media trend, a wave that shall pass.

That was 2012. 2013 was another year. The impact, the repercussions should have been felt in 2013.

There is certainly a different air among the people. When I open up for a discussion, and very very rarely do I, I feel the rage within the people. The anger is there. I have been a witness to a couple, and a part of three  incidents in the last two years itself where this rage has shown, for good.
Only, I pray - more of the former transforms into the latter - discussions to action. Most of the talk has been about what should be done to the culprits, and the blame on the governments. About time we started talking about what we should do. And then act upon it.


This, I don't want to say a word about. Only one thing, either this has to change, or everything will change. Enough said.

Happy New Year. I am not.

Get Set Go!

I have pulled up my socks and haven't looked back. I have been running around too hard. These last few months. I've shut my senses and worked very hard, left everything behind. I've been very very confident though, in my ways. I'm not sure if this is the right way to go.. or to be.. But I keep telling myself, this is the only way ahead. Perhaps I feared I'll stop. Just pause everything, like I do.

Naturally, I am too optimistic. Sometimes I wish I could leave all this optimism, the excitement.. leave it all behind and just curl down on my bed, pulling my knees to my chest and stare point-blank at the wall.. and in the silence I can listen to myself breathing in and out..

But what I fear the most is that I'll not give up. I'll not..

I need a deserved break. Recreation. Recollection.

THE CHAT-BOX

People are strange. Acquaintances are stranger. How random can a cranky head get in a chat-box, is what this breed is unaware of. As Chandler Bing would say, let's not open that door! Everyone has bad days. If they end up with a sucker with the motto "bug them or get bugged" like this one here, there always is a VICTIM in the end! Here I would start with two finest words of wisdom, shit happens!

BUGGER /ˈbʌgə/ an annoyingly awkward thing.
TARGET /ˈtɑːgɪt/ a person, object, or place selected as the aim of an attack.
VICTIM /ˈvɪktɪm/ a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment.


Bugger: Hi!

- O is that supposed to be a taunt man? I'm not high anymore. That last drink was 5 hours ago!

Bugger: Hehe! You've changed a lot. I thought you're still the tiny-miny-shy-guy from school! ;-)

- O flashback! >>Nine years later>> Woah, I'm not tiny anymore! And blimey, I don't have my pants on right now! Yeah, bone and skin, that's it. And shy, well, I don't have my pants on now, so yeaaaahaa I AM shy!

Bugger-turned-Target: Ok, you have turned funny and articulate too! :P

- Have I? o_O People usually put in 'gross and whacko' in that last sentence! And I'm not proving my wit, please! I AM without my pants right now!

Target: Hehe! I hope you know the limits where you are supposed to stop, for your own good :D

- Ya, I do. And I'm not lying. I'm sometimes incapable of that. You see, right now I'm in the loo. I prefer my pants off. And my thinking inside the loo has a new dimension altogether!

Target: Thinking inside the loo :P Good going dude. A lot of people get thinking in there!

- By a lot of people do you mean YOU and your imaginary hot friend, Rebecca? Perhaps you're right, it IS common. In fact the rate at which ideas pop-out in my head in this sacred zone, I've JUST realized this - Whenever I want to write a book, I'll go on laxatives!! Kick-ass!

Target: LOL. A book on what? How to act funny?

- Act funny? Nope, that title would belong to Robert Pattinson. I'll go for "Shit In Your Loo - Shapes And Their Meanings".

Target: Now that would be gross :-/ But funny too!

- And revealing! These, mister, are life-changing shapes. Astrology and Shitology, similar sciences!

Target: Haha! So tell me wassup in life? GF?

- Life's at unrest, waiting for the FIFA World Cup, 2014! but er,
>>Gay Freedom? I totally support them. Also tigers, and educating the poor kids, feminists, PETA and Rakhi Sawant.
>>GeForce - A friend told me you had turned a biology geek in 11th grade? You can't know much about processors! I prefer layman's language, so yeah, you're right.. it's a REVOLUTION!

Target: I get a feeling you're trying too hard :-/ I'l have to be careful and specific, Girlfriend?

- Oo okay! Ya. First one, I loved her a lot. She ran away.

Target:  O that's sad! If you don't mind me asking, what happened?

- One day we decided to marry. Each other. For a change. So I turned around and farted on her face. And she ran away.

Target: Haha! So nothing happened of this sort ;-) I can't tell the difference when you are kidding and when you are not :P

- You can't tell the difference, so something of this sort may or may not have happened. Equally likely, probability-wise. Thats Mathematics, you see. Well, in my religion there is a custom that when you find that PERFECT someone, this is how you welcome them to the beginning; your new life together.

Target: What sort of sick religion would that be? :D

- Hey, stop JUDGING! Your religion too has customs of dowry, insulting the bride's family and then burning the bride alive etc. But we are all proud our religion, aren't we?

- Target: LOL! That's a thoughtful point! So you have a considerate and sensitive-side, dude! Anyway, so you are married technically :P

- No, I denounced my religion immediately. Conversion. I embraced Narcissism. My own GOD. And then I met another girl.

Lost For Words: Go on! Who can stop you :-/

- She was killed by her father (who's a Principal at a local college; also, looks like Amitabh Bachchan) for loving me. Now, I am learning to play Violin. Soon I'll be kicking cupid's ass in his institute. That's what she always dreamt of. A sugary-filmy-love-story. Since I'm not a vampire, we had to chose this way.

Target: ROFL!!

- Laughing at other's tragedies, that's like ME! Hi, where have you been? And will you stop rolling on the floor already?

Target: Hahahaa, seriously man, laugh at others; I'd never do that! Come on, you never break? That's method! :P

- o_O By the way, getting the drift of where your conversations usually go, you do have a GF as in 'girlfriend'?

Target: Yes. And now don't you make jokes about that please!

- Ofcourse not!(Too easy that way)

Target: Arre waah! You didn't ;-)

- Yeah, I'm out of the loo now. Just preparing some Lemon Tea. This requires concentration. And I'm a keen Tea/Coffee maker. In fact, I've told my roomies not to buy a Dishwasher or Coffee-maker till I'm alive.

Target: Oookkk

- Ya. And if we humans could be one machine by choice, I would choose a dishwasher. Or I'd rather wish I could be a mutant instead of machines!

Target: Machines and mutants! What are you upto :P

- You might not understand. Okay, here's a little secret. THE MATRIX HAS YOU! And if you wanna know the answers, follow the sewer-line running behind the 52nd Street in New York. It's all America. We Indians have no answers around sewers, pure shittery.
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And, never use Limca in place of lemon. Your lemon tea will taste like carbon :-/ I'll have to throw this away!

Target: DUUUUUDE! You really used LIMCA for the Tea! :-O Are you nuts! Well, get an asylum for yourself :P

- Nuts I have been for a long long time now, my friend! Being so provides you with a shell which dumbo's can't crack, and you are aloof from all that stupidity floating around in this world. This is one of the preachings in my religion. Narcissism, remember!


Target: Narcissism, is that why you have a blog? :P

- Maybe. You too have a facebook account.

Target: They are not the same! :-/

- No. But narcissism, yes.

Target: COME ON! It's just a platform to socialize on, meet friends, have fun!

- But the doctrines of Narcissism totally endorse Facebook. Your Dad gifts you a fat-new-car, you must show off! You enter a night pub your friends are gonna envy, you post your location immediately. And pictures, all of YOU - the very next day. This is all DIVINE. Heaven or Hell is decided by the sacred ratio 'h'-

h =  (Total number of comments recieved in all posts)*(Total number of likes in the profile pictures)^2
                                             Total number of posts liked by the profile

Target: Hahahaa!.. Dude, REALLY? :D

-What is REAL? All that you can taste, smell, touch? Then every dream must be a reality. Even if you wake up and you feel every thing around you is real. Beware, it could be a dream in a dream!

Target: Now you are just going blablaablaa!!!

- Here's a relevant question, about you. You have an album on facebook named "Mah College". Goats? I tell you, Al-Qaeda's men don't treat* goats very modestly these days!

Target-turned-Victim: Now that's insulting! Can't you say anything that's not indirect?

- Sure. I am amazed it took you half an hour to realize this.

Victim: Ok, Dude! I am not going to piss myself up. So goodbye!

- Dude! I wish you had done that when I was in the loo, things would have gone down pretty easy! OR, we could have had a Pissing Contest!

Victim: Here's my two cents - GO **** YOURSELF!

- I wonder why people keep dropping exactly TWO cents everywhere! Don't you find it interesting? This country has 42% of the population below poverty line. Drop 1 or 2 'rupee' coins instead! Cents they'll just throw away, if they ever pick those up. Or you'll just end up making a  few kids believe that collecting currency is their hobby!
.
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And I am confused. Why 4*s? For me! Woo, I'm declared HIT then. Or did you mean Go STAR yourself? That's in my religion! Or if you meant multiply yourself, sorry I don't fall into the amoeba-species, otherwise I would have started cell division right-off to keep your biological-self happy!

Victim is offline.

- Hey, bye big man.. I love you too! Thanks for the stars!