I am here because I wanted to speak the truth. Perhaps it is a part of my struggle to accept the truth, for my own good. Today I will be blunt with words and shy of restraints. I have lost a friend.
It is shocking how easily these words gather, even before I fathom the meaning of this phrase in my mind, on my notebook, or the harshest of all realities - life. The complete existence of a being, the energy around him, the voice that was, yesterday - everything just wiped out in the fury-dance of "fate" as many are calling it.
Inevitably, this happens to lives. I never knew, fortunately. I should have known better. There has been a noticeable dryness since that rain could never seep into. A frozen mind and tired eyes, seeking the comfort that could possibly be derived only from favorable answers. Or a reversal of events. Neither seems likely, even in this desolation.
I selfishly talk of myself. Self-centered, as we humans are. Maybe. Perhaps because looking at the big picture is so much more difficult. People have been talking of sufferings and attitude towards life and positivity and happiness. I don't see much in their eyes. Was he not happy about the life he lived, so perfectly? Did he not deserve to add more to the perfect world he was trying to create for his first-born, a little girl, who entered this world just one week prior to give him the greatest kind of happiness a man has ever known? Just one week. Last we met, we were discussing girl names starting with letter 'D'. And the news, I learned two days later. It was supposed to be his birthday that day.
There is a strong sense of emotion that boils up within to think of this. Hatred.. for something.. or perhaps anger, neither of which have any reason or medium to be dragged along or vented out. Helplessness. I have never felt so weak inside. I do not carry ambitions to tame the world, but I would like to know that that there is something I could have done. I wish..
The unknown, the unseen, where we have no control.. to where the conscious has only ever been carried by musings, wanderings of fantasies or fear.
In my desperation, I could stick to anything. Anything. But, the answers are not to be found here. This occurred to me when I realized that in reality, there are no questions. Just an inert, inexpressive void.
Maybe I was looking for something else.
Today, amidst a crowd of thousands gathered to celebrate Janmashtami nearby, I tried to keep myself busy. I looked, and found too many people with too much hope - strong faith.
I looked, but I did not find God.
It is shocking how easily these words gather, even before I fathom the meaning of this phrase in my mind, on my notebook, or the harshest of all realities - life. The complete existence of a being, the energy around him, the voice that was, yesterday - everything just wiped out in the fury-dance of "fate" as many are calling it.
Inevitably, this happens to lives. I never knew, fortunately. I should have known better. There has been a noticeable dryness since that rain could never seep into. A frozen mind and tired eyes, seeking the comfort that could possibly be derived only from favorable answers. Or a reversal of events. Neither seems likely, even in this desolation.
I selfishly talk of myself. Self-centered, as we humans are. Maybe. Perhaps because looking at the big picture is so much more difficult. People have been talking of sufferings and attitude towards life and positivity and happiness. I don't see much in their eyes. Was he not happy about the life he lived, so perfectly? Did he not deserve to add more to the perfect world he was trying to create for his first-born, a little girl, who entered this world just one week prior to give him the greatest kind of happiness a man has ever known? Just one week. Last we met, we were discussing girl names starting with letter 'D'. And the news, I learned two days later. It was supposed to be his birthday that day.
There is a strong sense of emotion that boils up within to think of this. Hatred.. for something.. or perhaps anger, neither of which have any reason or medium to be dragged along or vented out. Helplessness. I have never felt so weak inside. I do not carry ambitions to tame the world, but I would like to know that that there is something I could have done. I wish..
The unknown, the unseen, where we have no control.. to where the conscious has only ever been carried by musings, wanderings of fantasies or fear.
In my desperation, I could stick to anything. Anything. But, the answers are not to be found here. This occurred to me when I realized that in reality, there are no questions. Just an inert, inexpressive void.
Maybe I was looking for something else.
Today, amidst a crowd of thousands gathered to celebrate Janmashtami nearby, I tried to keep myself busy. I looked, and found too many people with too much hope - strong faith.
I looked, but I did not find God.
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