"What the hell am I doing?"
I don't know. And I don't believe in it. But this is not how I've always been. Sometimes I look around a lonely street and realize that I have lost the purpose of being there. That instant, the very moment of my existence ceases to exist. Sometimes I'm tempted to lose myself into a dream with my eyes wide open. A parallel world, the impact of what is and what should never be. Yet the mind is at peace. The state of calm survives, just a few ripples in the deep ocean. Mystification of the mind. Questions.
The force isn't strong enough to trouble me. That's how I've grown up, answering self-created questions. Why does it rain? Where does the sun go during the night? Why do we eat food? How does a bicycle move? What is gravity? How does electricity work? Who makes the laws? Why do we vote for the government? Why do people make money an obsession over a simple necessity? Why are the poor and the rich the way they are? Is God fair? Does God even exist?
Books, education, learning, people.. they helped a lot. But sometimes you know that there's no answer. Sometimes the question is void. This question cannot pierce through the mind's peace, but the actions lose importance. No music, no friends can walk you out of the state of nothingness.
Everyone's there and everything's the same. But something's missing. I have lost a considerable amount of trust. Trust that people around had in me. It's obvious and no one has to say it. No one has to deny it. A phase of my life I had thought I'm a loner. I screwed up. I am happy I'm back. But rebuilding faith takes time. All I need to know is why am I doing it. It helps the cause; knowing what you are at.
Screwing up helps. It's like enlightenment, if taken rightly. Apparently that's the only way out. Way out. My inquisitiveness gets me to a point where I wonder what exactly is the way out? Where does this road go?
With hopes of preserving the life and people I have now, I want to make sure I do not repeat my mistakes. I don't ever want to be back where I have been. I want to put in a fight. I want to use my strength. And I hate to lose more than I want to win.
This is how I work. I would sit on the night before an exam, half the time I'd invest in planning what I am going to do in the next few hours. Works to perfection, this, for me.
I feel the peace of mind, I love this state of calm. But the ripples, what are they? Does a stationary state exist? What if peace-of-mind isn't a state? Happiness certainly is, an instantaneous one. Treating peace-of-mind as quantitative, maybe it isn't proportional to the number of questions answered. Maybe it grows, like the ever expanding universe. Or maybe it just drops into a fourth dimension, that human mind isn't capable of perceiving.
Sometimes we need time to think. Sometimes we need to stay alone for a while to catch up with our family and friends. Sometime we need Mother Nature and Daddy Destiny to teach us a valuable lesson to carry on. Sometimes we need to strike the right balance between being complacent and being competitive. Sometimes we need to test our strength in the extreme. Sometimes we need to prove our worth, to ourselves. Sometimes the void questions are answered in the void.
Bah! sometimes we need to take a break from thinking all this crap. Sometimes we need to get over this shit. Put an end to everything, and be free. Somethings are best unsaid. That's the awesomeness of an adventure, right there ;-)
Or sometimes we all just wanna be big rockstars, live in hill-top houses, driving fifteen cars..! :P
Anyway, sometimes it is some time. And some time is now.
I don't know. And I don't believe in it. But this is not how I've always been. Sometimes I look around a lonely street and realize that I have lost the purpose of being there. That instant, the very moment of my existence ceases to exist. Sometimes I'm tempted to lose myself into a dream with my eyes wide open. A parallel world, the impact of what is and what should never be. Yet the mind is at peace. The state of calm survives, just a few ripples in the deep ocean. Mystification of the mind. Questions.
The force isn't strong enough to trouble me. That's how I've grown up, answering self-created questions. Why does it rain? Where does the sun go during the night? Why do we eat food? How does a bicycle move? What is gravity? How does electricity work? Who makes the laws? Why do we vote for the government? Why do people make money an obsession over a simple necessity? Why are the poor and the rich the way they are? Is God fair? Does God even exist?
Books, education, learning, people.. they helped a lot. But sometimes you know that there's no answer. Sometimes the question is void. This question cannot pierce through the mind's peace, but the actions lose importance. No music, no friends can walk you out of the state of nothingness.
Everyone's there and everything's the same. But something's missing. I have lost a considerable amount of trust. Trust that people around had in me. It's obvious and no one has to say it. No one has to deny it. A phase of my life I had thought I'm a loner. I screwed up. I am happy I'm back. But rebuilding faith takes time. All I need to know is why am I doing it. It helps the cause; knowing what you are at.
Screwing up helps. It's like enlightenment, if taken rightly. Apparently that's the only way out. Way out. My inquisitiveness gets me to a point where I wonder what exactly is the way out? Where does this road go?
With hopes of preserving the life and people I have now, I want to make sure I do not repeat my mistakes. I don't ever want to be back where I have been. I want to put in a fight. I want to use my strength. And I hate to lose more than I want to win.
This is how I work. I would sit on the night before an exam, half the time I'd invest in planning what I am going to do in the next few hours. Works to perfection, this, for me.
I feel the peace of mind, I love this state of calm. But the ripples, what are they? Does a stationary state exist? What if peace-of-mind isn't a state? Happiness certainly is, an instantaneous one. Treating peace-of-mind as quantitative, maybe it isn't proportional to the number of questions answered. Maybe it grows, like the ever expanding universe. Or maybe it just drops into a fourth dimension, that human mind isn't capable of perceiving.
Sometimes we need time to think. Sometimes we need to stay alone for a while to catch up with our family and friends. Sometime we need Mother Nature and Daddy Destiny to teach us a valuable lesson to carry on. Sometimes we need to strike the right balance between being complacent and being competitive. Sometimes we need to test our strength in the extreme. Sometimes we need to prove our worth, to ourselves. Sometimes the void questions are answered in the void.
Bah! sometimes we need to take a break from thinking all this crap. Sometimes we need to get over this shit. Put an end to everything, and be free. Somethings are best unsaid. That's the awesomeness of an adventure, right there ;-)
Or sometimes we all just wanna be big rockstars, live in hill-top houses, driving fifteen cars..! :P
Anyway, sometimes it is some time. And some time is now.
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