We call it paradise..

They call it paradise, I don't know why.

Recent times have witnessed events that send the nerve-endings of the body stretching in nociception. The fate of Tutsi women in Rwanda Genocide, the Bosnian women during the Bosnian war, the Rape of Nanking, the treatment to women in the name of religion in 2002 Gujarat riots, the acts sadistic army men in Northern-most regions of India, the condition of Haryana, and the urban-most cities of India - a nation where such incidences occur every 22 minutes - these all converge to the reality. One, the general deterioration of humanity. Two, our indifference. Three, denial. 

Shame misses by many levels. And we go on with our arguments - Whatever come may, Jai Hind. Indian army, RESPECT. I'm a Hindu and my religion is superior to yours. And by the way, what those men did was needed. Those among Africans are savagic tribals. Civil War, it's ultimately for the better. War prisoners? Come on, be practical, they are a nation that has lost.

And since I talk about all this, you'll say either this is my heresy or I'm an idealist or perhaps a degenerate A-hole to be talking against my own? 

No, not animals. Animals have much more respect and dignity. We just testify the culprits' psychology - the domination. We are as responsible as any other.

Very convenient, the silence and ignorance? There was a hope that we shall one day know better. That we deserve a chance. The little good that is left in the world will eventually lose the battle - the struggle to survive. Before that happens I hope we as a race stop justifying our deservedness. This is what we have come to in time. Entropy, the level of disorder will only increase. Today we will shamefully accept another example of decline of humanity. Humanity is just a word. Adding to the entropy, we'll hold certain sects and authorities of the society responsible, based on our convenience. Convenience, the exact mechanism as to why we LIE. And lies, they form the foundation of this model we've created.

Our false paradise.

Neorealism

I exist. Align your perception with what you sense. Break through your superstitions. The making and breaking of those apprehensions occurs in the mind. Reality is not subject to fear. There's more to you. Reject the divination and believe in the true nature of existence. End this conflict with naturalness and you'll find me standing in the dense fog of conscious thought. There, I'll probably be lost, but I'll be happy. For then I'll know that I'm not the only one.

 Asato  ma sadgamaya

Not Man Enough?

I've been sitting here thinking all day. And I haven't left my place in two days. Confusion and dilemma overshadow the thinking process when it comes to my indignation. Sometimes I hate myself; that maybe I am not man enough. Not man enough - to face the wind - to rise against the drift - to go one better over my own shameless version of apathy - to fight the inhumane. It is said that one should wait for the emotions to dry out. I'm not sure I want to part from these emotions. Emotions constitute an inseparable element to a human life. Without, is what leads to such cold-blooded acts. A 23 year old girl. Being of the same age, I know what she thinks, how she plans out her priorities and what she wants from her life. Before this incident I did. Now, I can barely try to know, to understand what she is going through. I know I will fail. With that, I'll pray she survives. But I can't avoid sharing the blame. A protester's words I heard on a TV channel - Let her not become another statistic.

I am not a believer of the existing system. A system, yes. Can this existing one be improved upon? Though never seen, but can be tried. I feel that implication of law by the fear of punishment is an outdated concept. People willingly commit crimes knowing the consequences; some readily accept the penalty. A replacement if tested thoroughly can be set up. I advocate this replacement. Do I have any ideas? Not exactly. But I hope to find awakened people around with free-thought who want a change for better. Still I like to observe how the current system handles such cases.

I watched the complete Lok Sabha proceedings out of curiosity. The policy makers, no? This is no FDI,  so I expected some discipline. There were a few heart touching speeches - seemingly honest. But you could easily pick out the political gimmicks thrown by opposition and ruling party alike, trying to use this incident, turning odds in their favor. Sire, here everything is at odds. NO ONE gives a fuck. Mulayam Singh wasn't even ashamed to accept this, as, immediately, he tried to transfer the momentum of this proceeding towards his regular agenda of Muslim appeasement. I lost my patience here.

What the system can do? The Constitution of India states clearly about the Fundamental Rights - Nothing in this article shall prevent the State from making any special provision for women and children. Makes sense? Perfectly. The Fundamental Rights of these rapists, child molesters and eve-teasers are worth reconsidering. What does the term EVE-TEASING signify anyway? Why euphemisms to glorify an inhuman act?

Taking the example of this bill for protection against sexual harassment(here) in a work environment, a large section of society has always been worried about misuse of such laws. But where we have evidence or confession from the culprit, as in this case - this opportunity should be used to set an example before the general public. Yes, me and you. The society.

There's a scheme of Fast Track Courts(here) and this tool can be used to try the guilty within a short period. "Golden hours", as UK police trains their officials against rape and sexual harassment, are very crucial for evidence collection, first 24 hours. One month and a half probably for the court proceedings. As I said, the law-system makes its pupils abide by imparting fear. Once proven, make their identity public, ensuring security of their families from "the mob" first. Castration, maybe slicking off penises, and then the death sentence, public again. I am a disbeliever of "the mob" more than I am sceptic about the system. The mob is the basic reason of dis-functionality of a system. They call it a movement, but it is a composition mindless, motiveless public who blindly follow whatever route is set for them. Willingly and easily manipulated and very very impressionable. Apparently, a useless contribution to the community.

The Indian Evidence Act(here) was passed in 1872 by the British Parliament, and since has only been subject to a few amendments. It has no detailed provision for offences like rape or sexual assault. What a democracy! Looking at the other democracies of the world, they are improving upon their system with time. South Africa had made amendments in 2007. England in 2003, Scotland in 2009. USA's 1994. India's politicians are playing ping-pong over this Bill(here) while the laws continue to mock the victims. Don't believe me, just google what an eminent lady Chief Justice has to say about it. And what a politician has to say in general(Dharamveer Goyat, if you may know) - here.

Remember the shameful Guwahati molestation case? Yes, July 9. The news dried out in the media, but a verdict was out on December 7th. 11 found guilty, 3 acquitted. Also that media-boy who filmed it was acquitted. Lack of evidence, they say. I researched into details of the punishment and the charges under various sections of IPC (here) against the eleven men -
143 - six months imprisonment or fine, or both.
341 - one month imprisonment or fine, or both.
294 - three months imprisonment or fine, or both.
323 - one year imprisonment or fine, or both.
354 - two years imprisonment or fine, or both.

And these terms are not all additive in IPC. And the amount of these fines they collect are 500/1000 rupees. So, with a little amount of cash, around 5000/- that barbaric CRIMINAL might be freed off his charges, and let out back in the society. Second offence, the judiciary will wait for it. Hatred is an understatement for what I have in me right now.

I try to think beyond this system, because I can't stand being helpless. I've been vexed about this before but now my own guts scare me. People who know me know how this happened. Something I was told strictly not be proud of. And strictly not to repeat, for my own good. The Dhanteras evening of this year I will never forget. I had returned to my hometown in Lucknow. I had to change a couple of auto-rickshaws from the airport. In the second one, there was a girl who for decent reasons, had some exchange of words with the driver. The auto driver was in some mood to say the things he said to the lady. I wanted to shove those words right up his ass but at the same time I didn't.  Matter got worse, the vehicle stopped with the man posing physical threats. I knew I won't take it if it is someone I care for. So am I going to let this happen because I don't care?

Do you have to be blood related or emotionally attached to someone to prevent such a barbarous act? Human brain makes such moments huge instantaneously. Fear, perhaps. In our college days, I've seen big-assed friends turn to cold-feet before jumping into a physical brawl, with this dilemma of should I or shouldn't I. I have a thick layer of conscience and a huge moral code on top of hatrid for the system. So, I did what I had to. It eased my mind, with a sense of freedom, even though momentarily. What you approve of, or denounce, or follow - all this transforms into mere words. It sends chill down everyone's spine to think that any such a heinous thing can happen to their lot. And as soon as those goosebumps end, they are back to normal, ignorance. Kudos.

My folks say I was lucky to get out safe, maybe it won't be the same next time. They say I should mind that. Bachpan se jo seekha hai na, saala everything is bullshit. No surprises everyone I know talks to me about being practical, growing up or even that with my set of principles I can't survive in a corporate job. And if I don't move on I'm called rigid. If I point out the social wrong I'm called judgmental.

I did not choose this system. I was born into this world and the system was thrust upon me. Socially and personally. Money. Greed. Men and their motherfucking machismo. Gladly, I'm not man enough. My religion, lifestyle - everything- just thrust upon! God, if he is waiting for humans to act while that lady suffers and further prevention measures are taken - is a horrible entity - a puny social consolation. In my teenage days when actor Shah Rukh Khan used to be my idol, I remember him saying that we, the people own the country and appoint the government as an employee to run it for us. Since then I have tried to mould my thinking towards the system and tried to accept it, with no choice at all. The inhuman behavior is well within this system and a part of every civilization. I have a fair bit of understanding to realize that my acceptance is a petty act of cowardice. This, when I am at a young age with a mindset where I think I can change the world. But I have no means. No visible path. Stranded, I feel. Why? Because I'm not man enough. Maybe we are taught to grow up that way.

There is an insatiable desire to break out of all the chaos. Do whatever little is necessary for survival, and live in serenity. And seclusion. Himalayas maybe, where I see my freedom. People take charge and explain to me how seclusion isn't the right thing, that humans need to share/love/communicate to survive. I don't know if right and wrong is that simple. The fact that the society has and will continue to seclude itself from such culpable crimes, that these very people try to wash their hands off the dirt by affirming that they cannot do anything about it - is the reason that I find complexity in their "right and wrong". If you are right in walking away from the time and place where a crime is being committed, if that seclusion is justified - atleast I am not claiming to be there for the people when I am actually not. I don't know. Maybe I try to justify all this because I'm not man enough. I see what I feel wrong, looking past the complexity I mentioned, and still act like I don't care. I do care, but I don't have the courage to act perhaps. Do I justify myself by claiming that I am not a man of violence, or I hate guns? I know, to save my mother, sisters and friends I will more than just use a gun.

You are standing in the fast lane of a highway and telling me that letting a truck run you over is brave and the one way to be, while running away or stopping the vehicle is cowardice? No, running away is not being foolish and acting towards safety is bravery. Cowardice- Well, for me it's NOT TRYING.

Then again I wonder what I am up against? Human weakness, you can't fight it with a gun.

If I had a concrete frame of mind to go either way I would. If I could change the world I would. If I could run away I would.  I can free my mind by seclusion or by inclusion, the problem is choice. Being passionate about the choice I make is most important. Believing in it down to my bones. The purest form of freedom is freedom of mind. It's a bit abstract. If I can free my mind I'll know what is to be done. I'll know how it is to be done. It's similar to being in a state of Moksha, while alive. Till then I'll try not to think too deep. There's more to me than just brains. It's called Coolness. 

GROWING UP IV

It all started the in the year 7 of this nacheez's life. The time when I was enjoying learning how to pee in the hole. Long before I dissolved myself into the devoted act of kick-ass acts like saving the world, peace protests in Uganda, helping the UNO, peeking into neighbours's bedrooms at night, cleaning dog-poop off the roads etc - there was an event that shook the the world, erm!

So here I am at this kiddo'z birthday party. How did I get here? My sister's not-so-good-friend, Nikita, who had not invited me(she never even knew me!) turned 8 or something. How did I get here? I don't-a-know. Seems I was best-dressed in my favorite mickey-mouse sweater that winter. I was an uninvited guest to unknown people so un-awkardly I had no company. There were girls, too many girls. Not that I was a girl-shy-boy then, accounting to the fact that all my neighbourhood kids were girls, except the twin brothers who were cry-babies. You know, they'd lose and then cry. Pfft. Then there's an elder sister effect, especially when she is your idol, in those foolish years. No sis, you still are. So much to justify a friend-circle, phew!

Laugh all you want, but I was the rocker of the mohalla, having out-played them girls in all those girly games like Posham-pa bhai ahem-ahem..! You don't want me to name others. And all you grown-up girls, I know all your dirty secrets. Haha, crappy friends- at the age of 8-9 would talk of boys using initials - GM, AA.. shhh! Khusur-pusur that I used to hate, innate. It's not like I used to sing in the bathroom "..imagination, it is your creation.. I'm a barbie girl.." No, I didn't. NO!

Ah, back to the party. Turns out, there was one girl-friend of mine amongst those mixed-up heads. Neha. Class-mate, partner for two years running, that's like a century in friend-years. Saviour, the little girl. By then Nikita had seemingly established me as a guy-intruder in her room. She started targeting me. I swear! Then it happened. In the irritating kaana-phusi I heard the words, "Manu aur Neha ka chakkar chal raha hai".

I don't remember what questions popped up in my head at that instant, what conclusions - the man inside the boy took stand - and I started crying. I cannot recall having cried so hard EVER in my life. Not even when I was forcibly sent to school each day, and boy, I did put up some show before school! Hawww-chhii thought that I had in me, I had the whole party-junta and Neha trying to distract the cranky kid. Distract, hah! I have had utter focus since childhood, immovable.

I can recall the culprit and b'day girl, Nikita, saying, "humne inhe yahaan rone ke liye thodi bulaya hai". Instantly moi shouts, "to kya insult karne ke liye bulaya hai?" I have been this I-say-things person ever since childhood. Fair-play to people who get fed-up of me! INSULT, saala mazaak hai kya? Me and my friend. Pheww! They had to get me dropped back home with the servant I remember. Not that I missed the cake though, infact got one extra packed with me. As it turns out, my gain ;-)

The next morning, after assembly, I remember not having talked to Neha till then. She came to me and said these exact words, "Manu, don't worry. Hum kal raat ke baare mein kisi ko kuchh nahi batayenge!" Sweet, it was, of her. Love her for that.

True Story.

Each person has there own wonders to interpret. As I narrated this to a friend, with a eureka-ish look on his unshaven face, he uttered, "Boy, we are all craving to hear those words at this age". What can I say about that! I was a playboy in playgroup? Would you believe me if I say I didn't make that claim then and there? :P

The friend is convinced of my unequipped-ness of this healthy-practice-for-the-youth. He wonders will I ever? I said I would but she's got cooties. Then comes the "dude, seriously!". That somehow reminds me of Bitch, Please! Anyway, I told him I will answer him, one-fine-day.

One day I will find that one special person in my life. Perhaps a  tall, dark, handsome girl who apparently reminds me of my great-grandfather's photograph from the oldest of family album my grandfather has tried to maintain - for decades. She'll never have heard of Woody Allen or Wodehouse, and will crack jokes strictly based on double-meaning lines. I'll fall, into one of those love things. Instantly. And then, a wise human that I am, I won't rush into the act of getting married, even though I am 46 years old. Another fine day when I have sucked in all the marijuana I want to, I will marry her - in a church, just in case she wants to run, away. And then we'll get into an M.o.U of poking each other for a lifetime, little that I'll have left. Perfect at stories, I am, he says. Dichotomy.

GROWING UP III

Dreamers

The gyan-preacher within my friend
pops up his beyond his realm,
He asks me, "Are you ever serious,
Do you ever dream?"

"Where's the essence of life
in simple happiness, not keeping goals?"
Goes on- "You don't see the importance -
looking for a purpose, filling up the holes?"

Peace was threatened, alarms struck,
Precaution-first - I slipped down the couch;
Then rising and galloping in the fields of gold -
Dream, did you say? I only know, for me I'd vouch.

No Martin Luther King, but I take my little run
And then off I fly,
Up with the birds,
And paper planes in the golden sky.

And when in Amsterdam I alight,
Join a couple of friends there,
Stuff-green, brown, white; liquid- that too!
Too much Trance to share.

Then I set sail
To the shores of the Beatles-land;
Watch the final game of the already league winners,
Accolades to Stevie-G I send!

Back in my city, without me-
You know how bad the music went
coz I've been kicked out of the band, 
Sree thinks I'm too arrogant.

But what do you know,
Papon says Rahul Ram wants me to join them now;
We conduct our little jamming session
Banao banao and some more banao!

Creation within a creation?
I need a totem to keep track
Even better, I set off towards North-
Himalayas - mind you, to never be back.

God, I stumble upon - a few questions, one long debate
In my candid quest.
Is it your imperfection, or you're just having fun?
Knowing the truth, I put my case to rest.

Civilization needs me I'm told,
So for the greater good
I shed my fantasia-blend repertoire, leave the hills
The juvenile life resting upon leaves, hay and wood.

Civilization? So, after some Bungee jumping in New Zealand
And Vegas for a few stints of poker,
I head to Hollywood to meet Chris Nolan,
Learn more about the drama- the legacy that was Joker!

There I take my chances - the ultimate dream,
To salsa with Jennifer Aniston.
and just as I take my lady's hand, 
That puny friend wakes me up, the dream is done.
Damn.

Phantasmagoria? nah!

"I was the dream weaver but now I'm reborn" - John  Lennon

When The World Ends

Nature is beautiful. Everything around that feels beautiful. My love for the origin, the cradle and the field of action for mankind is honest. And pure. Then again, there's always the dark side of the moon. Afterall, the fact that junta is fascinated by the end of civilization a.k.a 21st December 2012 is not total bullshit. Although logic, sense and rationality deny it. But who'll listen to me? I'm no Hrithik Roshan. Not total bullshit because the judgement day is nearing each day. Just 200 million years away now. O-crap minus one. Day. Already. And that's the nearest possibility of a dozen theories predicted.

Anyway what's funny is funny. A friend's Facebook homepage boasted of a status by his girlfriend, "How many of you believe that the world's gonna end on 21st?". A few graced that post with comments affirming how they believed. One guy went on with the pheko-logy,"Have faith in Nature!". I know, Oh-dear-God! I gave an euphoric expression associated with the words, BITCH, PLEASE! ;-)
Half a dozen people with a total IQ of less than 100, and their beliefs. I could use their beliefs instead of toilet paper and there won't be a scratch of conscience in my clean-wiped behind.

I still hope that the end comes. I am upbeat about it. What's funny is funny. And it's been a rather pathetic year for Manmohan Singh anyway, politics-wise and economy-wise. Months of NCERT Economics book-reading convince me that he won't hesitate in joining hands with the US(it's always them) to invite those alien-ships at the Taj Mahal for a grand, probably human, dinner. I hope those vegan pseudo-intellectuals step up with their firm resolve, then. Er, just saying!

We have less than a month. And Neo should be prepared for the rescue, just in case the world ends. I have a bad habit of getting subjective, something I'm working on these day. So after random blabbering, I'll get to the object of my post, a playlist. When The World Ends. There was a Dave Matthews Band song in The Matrix Reloaded by that title(here), but that's not what we are thinking. The singer is more like a moaning pervert, trying to have sex on his death bed in that song. Here's one kick-ass mini playlist I thought would work for me.

5 FIVE 
Lesiem - Temperantia (Bescheidenheit)
Well, we are going to need a lot violins, awesome(and innovative) percussion and a lot of mysterious synth. So here it is!

4 FOUR
Navras - Juno Reactor/Don Davis
With the obvious Indian connection in this one, need I say this is something ultimate. Music-wise, it adds Flute and Sitar to such conviction. Besides, this comes from the morning prayer we had in the assembly during my middle-school days. Another reason, The Matrix is just awesome. Ask Neo. What do you know, I'll lead us out of this big mayhem? The problem is choice.

From delusion lead me to truth

From darkness lead me to light

From death lead me to immortality.

Let there be peace everywhere.

When the five senses and the mind are still, and reason itself rests in silence, then begins the path supreme. No kidding.

3 THREE
Becoming One Of "The People" / Becoming One With Neytiri - James Horner
Too much of soundtracks? The basic idea of this playlist is to fit background music to life. I know, same thoughts! And movies are the closest escape from reality, offering everything you want. And who better than James Horner to fit in. This track, as the name says, fills the mind with a sense of what's really important in such times, of becoming one of your own, spiritually. The Indian connection, Nature, this movie has everything. Toruk Macto? Yeaahaa, bithes!

2 TWO
Mad World - Michael Andrews/Gary Jules
Donnie Darko classic. Gary Jules won't ever write a better song. If you've watched this movie, you'll feel the obvious connection.. deep enough to give you goosebumps when the Judgement Day arrives. Watch this video, PLEEEAAASSSEE! This song is so intriguing that dumbshit like me has been inspired to add a stanza of his own to these tunes. Very fitting. Thank you, you mad mad world, I'm grateful for my existence along with such music! Phew.

1 ONE
Now We Are Free - Hans Zimmer/Lisa Gerrard
Is there ever a playlist without this? I am stuck ;-) A feeling of inspiration, ecstasy and liberation. On the big day, whether it is about the final resistance with collective strength, the ultimate defeat or the journey to the end, this piece will accompany you till the end! Have I gone nuts? Well, that's pretty usual. And expected.

0 ZERO
Strawberry Swing - Coldplay
Why? Because it is the tradition. I am talking about the ZERO thing. Why Strawberry Swing? That's tradition too. I am a real believer. These tunes calm me down, come what may. Main bhi hoon Nature. What do you know, Strawberry Swing might calm the elements of Nature to give up the destructive instinct. People deserve a chance. What's more important you won't be bothered even if it doesn't work. Because in the end, living is more important.

Now the sky could be blue, I don't mind. Seriously, I don't.

♫ now playing: Indian Ocean - Zindagi Se Darte Ho

I'm Not There

In the madding crowd,
In the big city
Bright, ebullient faces hold their smiles.
I'm not there.

Or in the flocking of the birds
The winds through the green,
In the streams finding their way to the sea,
I'm not there.

On the streets
Few people, they mock
Political jokes, fending off the worry
I'm not there.

They're counting their days-
Militia on the railroads
And the prisoners alike;
I'm not there.

Tall buildings- corporate- big-fat cars.
In black suits and ties
Those workers banter.
I'm not there.

In the faith of a child,
in his Nature's play
The road to learning
I'm not there.

In a circle of friends,
People of their liking
Shipping thoughts that matter,
I'm not there.

In the heart of a little girl,
Her poor father fighting the world
To survive each day;
I'm not there.

In the apathy
In the indifference
Or in the passion for compassion
I'm not there.

In my surroundings,
my existence thus testified,
I do not belong, anymore.
I'm not there.

In the compromised freedom
In your fight to fit in,
The search for normal
I'm not there.

I hear they laugh off
this, a fool's paradise.
In the shrill sounds
I'm not there.

You say you don't fear the light
In me you feel the spark,
It's not real.
I'm not there.

In your memories far off,
Good times to keep.
The mementos nurtured-
I'm not there.

In the smoky lights
of my revelation, your conscience;
You say you see me-
But I'm not there.

Marauders of Lucknow

Expecto Patronum!

"After all, if growing up is a war, then the friends who grew up with you deserve a special respect. The ones who stuck by you shoulder to shoulder, in a time when nothing was certain, all life lay ahead, and every road led home."

This one goes out to my friends. If I could thank them for it all, for putting me up together.. time and time again.

I'd not exist without them. I know it. Boomerangs. Shit. Best Unsaid. You know a friend: when you've turned an A-hole and they don't feel  it's permanent. And it's not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confidence of their help. Damn it boy, true words. Wise-ness! To express my-inner-feel right now, I am in a moment where on one fine rainy evening, we stretch our arms and run on the streets like mad kids, me and my friends.

You are the best, buggers!

Awesom-est lines of an awesome-ness filled movie - "Remember George, no man is a failure who has friends!"

WHAT NEXT?

So, after one fractured finger, a broken knee and well, slipping head-first down the rocks, I've realized what I've always known. Nature is my first love. And Music is second. And Liverpool is third. Sequence changes often. Also that if you underestimate my passion for the fourth, it'll be a big mistake.

Anyway, Nature. Here the reflections of truth are unaltered, precise and pure. This in turn fills my head with a sense of extremism. An there's this theory that extremes are addictive. To the passionate of the lot, ofcourse. I'm not sure whether I want to put everything on a hold and turn back to what I've left behind, and start rooting for a career, people and interestingly, my small initiation in the music world. The fact is you can never know for sure. And as my recent stint out in the wild has grown upon me, I never want to be sure. Coolness, I call it. With Enigma's Return To Innocence playing in background.

I don't want to know where I will be in next few years. I'm not going to sit with a plan. And that is not the plan. Maybe someday I will have a plan! But that's not the plan. Phew.

Well, as I always say - Eccentricity costs too much in normal people's denominations. I do not know how I should present this in front of my folks, as far as I've tried, some tag it as my escapism and shower their holy-gyan, some friends tell me I'm one dumbass to be dealing into "the shit", some generous ones act like DDLJ ka Amrish Puri who let's Kajol catch that train.. some just smile, some I won't share my ideas with; they won't take this very well.

Apparently even with a limited access to the internet, mobile phone and a special mention to the macho-connector, Facebook, I should be able to justify the definition in the Social Sciences stating - Man is a social animal. Not very, but yeah some you gotto carry along.

But Facebook's a bitch. It's a leveler. All three-four hundred "Friends" reaching out to the same version of YOU. For heaven's sake, there were easier times I know of. Exclusivity is the key to preciousness. Talk diamonds, talk gold. The price accounts to the availability factor. Economics. Exclusive and rare and pure, that sums up friendship, for me. 10-15 do good to me; quality vs quantity? Sire, everything about me smells 'class'. Narcissism. So, Quality it is for me. Of course you'll meet super-ass-holes and be friendly, but then time kicks ass soon. Negligible, them.

Man won't stay social for very long if this stays, I must warn you. Well, I don't expect to find population where my fantasies lie. And I hope I don't. For now, we are free.

  ♫  Gladiator - Now We Are Free

If I could laugh a wild laughter
not to just to humor,but simply
the happiness floating around me..
If I were fickle enough
to let me dance
to the music of wind and rain...
If I were steady enough
to trust my actions,
and not care where the road leads..
If I were virtuous enough
to let my imagination float free
and create,
what could be the purest form of reality..
If I were to believe
that its not all to a reason,
and not a reason to all... 
If I were more
than just a reflection of my ego..
If I could lose the assumptions
of simplistic nature of right and wrong....

RUN!

"Into this world we're thrown, like a dog without a bone.."

I often feel I can't fight these abstract elements on my own. I'll end up being too lonely. Too exhausted.

Yes, I'm angry. Situations. Unwanted actions. Rude words. Apathy. Meanness. Jealousy. Stupidity. INDIFFERENCE. And justifications for the same.

Anger, I've learnt makes things easy. Hatred, distrust and disgust in general. For everyone. Fair game. It saves me the element of surprise when people betray, back-stab or ruthlessly murder your faith. Also, gives me a self-defence mechanism against myself developing expectations from anyone. Expectation is a bitch. I used to think expecting as much you can deliver in reciprocation is fair. But FUCK fairness. People who said that this isn't a fair world, weren't all whining.

Anyway, this anger induces a lot of energy within my body. And I feel the need to channel it, direct it somewhere. An set myself free. I run.

That has always been my passion. I do it with a lot of vigour. And then I think of all the things that have been in the past couple of months. My jaws tighten up. Regrets. Concerns. Shit-on-my-face insults. I pull my muscles together as if trying to run away. And the temperature rises. From my forehead to my feet. I find it comforting to push myself into extremities of physical activeness stretching upto the point where breakdown occurs.

Even when my lungs give up, I drag myself for some distance. Mostly thinking of situations where I should've put in some extra effort.

And thinking is an act I cannot avoid. The chain, true to it's continuous nature, moves on from one thought to another.

I have too many things to say. I just don't know how.

Some days it rains. My footsteps set deep into the muddy waters, splashing all around. The sweat lines on my forehead dissolve into the pouring rain. The green of the trees gets sharper and brighter. This makes my head light. This adds to the spirit and the vigour.

Atleast at the end of the day, I am tired. I've exhausted all my energy, satisfied my anger. I can't think anymore. I sleep with an empty mind, empty conscience; to start up with life as soon as I wake up the next day. But scruples, I hate them. This isn't how I am. I never stopped smiling. I never chose to forget or ignore or avoid, I just want my folks happy. And I have what will keep me going. INDIGNATION.


"People don't know what its like to be angry in the bone"

Positive or Negative!

Negativity. It does suck. Only if you dwell in it and make your life a misery! People often tend to play down things that they can't handle correctly.

Let's be real, negative possibilities do exist, as good as the chance of a positive outcome. There's uncertainty associated, either way. There's nothing brilliant about being an optimist or pessimist.


It's science. Schrodinger's cat, a thought experiment. And boy, I do love to relate quantum science to real life! Electrons & protons, matter & anti-matter - these are the other ways to make the same point.

In his theory, Schrodinger put a cat in a box. There is some mechanism in the box that may kill the cat or not. There is a lid and we cannot see the cat. After some time, we pose the question, is the cat alive or dead? Schrodinger says the cat must be either alive or dead. A simple case of super-imposed probabilities. People with some interest in Mathematics and Physics will dig upon this.

A 50-50 chance that the cat is alive or dead. Or we can say the cat is both dead and alive at the same time!

I say, you could mourn for the cat or be happy for it, only after you are certain of which of the two events actually took place. Or just be baffled! The curiosity to look inside that box, is the only thought in question, and the only sensible thing to do. You can never know until you know!

Maybe you're a positive person who thinks too much. Maybe you're a negative person hoping against hope. Maybe you're a realist and you can go with the flow, either way!

The perfect case will be that I do hope that the cat is alive, and I do request the people on the other side of the control panel, "Please don't kill it!*" 

GROWING UP III!

Continued from GROWING UP II!

Another day I'd never forget, came on one of the playgrounds of my school. There was a belief in us, 7th graders back then. When you can't, you don't! It's cool to be that way. Especially when we are talking about a 1600. A 1600m race. A 1.60 kilometers race. Must've been a cranky mood, mine, that I took part! Or maybe because one of my friends said he would. Then we both did. 8 rounds of the 200m circular track. At the beginning of my 4th round, the first two boys were, well, galaxies ahead of me.. Reality check, I was as lanky as could be, they were beasts. I was 4feet4, they were both taller than 5feet6, I'd guess! But I wasn't alone, or so I had assumed.. 5th round on, and there was no one behind me. Shucks. What-a-loser, one might think. Maybe I did too. But then I noticed, there were just the two man-beasts ahead of me. Right, no one completes the 1600. Not unless you are a man-beast!

I knew exactly why, amidst my broken breaths. My lungs seemed seaming at bursts. Or bursting at seams, I wouldn't know.. my brain didn't work. Face was red, I knew by the burning sensation. Sweating profusely, I'd lost count. I'd lost the sense of position. My legs kept hitting the ground. And just as I was going to give up, even stopped, at the far-end, one of them shouting, last round, last round! Okay.. okay, I frowned. Let's complete it, half-a-round more!

Only to realize it wasn't the last. Fuck you, I might have wanted to say to that fool, only if I knew the words :P But save the embarrassment, I thought. Let's see where this gets you. A chance to land THIRD in a 1600! Oh-bloody-yes! And I swear, that day the sun landed upon the fields of Jaipuria School; bigger, brighter and hotter than we'll ever feel. And over there, I created history. Well, my own-personalized history. 3rd, in a 1600m. One of the most confident days of my childhood, as I look back at it, even though now I run 7km every day.

As I compile my words this evening, I had a fight with my mom.. she was throwing away my precious, old and apparently useless walkman, that I had hidden from her reach, GASP ..so far! Later I made her some coffee, and declared, "पर  अगर  आपने  हमारा  walkman फेका  तो  फिर  से  अपनी  लड़ाई  हो  जायेगी !" *wink-wink*

Then I realize my childhood was more precious to one lady ..much more than anyone, than me. And she's right here with me, reminding me that I'll never grow up ..never big enough to let my spirits fade, never grow up enough to let my energy down ..to let the excitement desert me! Kudos.

GROWING UP II!

Continued from GROWING UP!

You could have me running halfway across the local park in my underpants.. Not that you'd want to ..not that I was any comfortable with nudity even at the kiddish-est levels; it's that sometimes you just don't care!


I happened to know a psycho-killer when I was young. Atleast I thought he was. A PSYCHO-KILLER. I must've been a combination of genius and dumb, to be knowing that..and still cracking a joke on his face. Turns out, Mr. Killer wasn't quite accustomed to humor, or he thought throwing mud into my eyes was funny. So we had it, and next day I remember chasing him down with a cricket bat in my hand! Our local gangs, wassup brotha? 

Not destructive though, I was very much pro-anti-villains.. I learnt to kick some ass! Suniel Shetty and Akshay Kumar helped.. A LOT! Hehe.. reminiscences of that movie, "Tu cheez badi hai mast mast.." I know.. I know, you get it.. exactly the shit I'm dealing into ;-)


For me, schools sucked. Discipline. Rules. Schedule. Limitations. Homework. Shucks, never did that! Then I was forced to turn it into fun. My first bunk, if I may call it that, "happened" back in 6th standard; an English lecture. The bunk was rather thrust upon me by my Art Teacher - she was beautiful and I don't remember her name! - who made me wait after her class for some random errand(she was beautiful, told you :P ). And then, supported by the possibility of Mrs. Shefali eating me alive for being late, I chickened out.. Ms. Shefali was my English teacher. She was a bad-ass. VERY VERY! Aah, Goosebumps! She turns her head towards you, and you're a goner boy! It was more of a scare than a dare.


Every good time has a beginning, and that was just it. Reminiscences of the old Principal-guy chasing us down the corridor mark the epitome of a fantasy. After all, my bunk-gang had that MAP traced out! Including the abandoned Girls' toilet. And the circuit-room. And the carpenter's room. Who could beat us? Not even the architect of our massive school-building! And above all that super-shit, knowing exactly what time which staff-room was gonna be empty, was kick-ass-est! Countless minutes spent in those cool-down spots, especially when being chased - priceless!


Imagine this. On a rainy morning of August, the 15th precisely.. This girl comes up to me and tells that we have to sing this song after the Independence Day parade. Music teacher's orders. Orders? No shitting, but let's be real, she was beautiful too..not the girl, my Music Teacher. My Music Teacher. She had this aura around her..and she sang like a nightingale, only that I've never heard a nightingale sing :P


Reasons can be many, but the fate was decided. Perhaps one of the best days of my life till then. Enter John Lennon. That soothing voice, the lyrics. It would be many many years later that I'd idolize that man, and his ideals! But there was something about Imagine. Always!


And there's something about music. It takes me where I want to be. It's one thing that never fails me. If my childhood hadn't been shaped this way, I might have turned into a Pritam-fan, thank some people for saving me though :P

So it goes on..!! GROWING UP III!

BEST UNSAID

"What the hell am I doing?"


I don't know. And I don't believe in it. But this is not how I've always been. Sometimes I look around a lonely street and realize that I have lost the purpose of being there. That instant, the very moment of my existence ceases to exist. Sometimes I'm tempted to lose myself into a dream with my eyes wide open. A parallel world, the impact of what is and what should never be. Yet the mind is at peace. The state of calm survives, just a few ripples in the deep ocean. Mystification of the mind. Questions.

The force isn't strong enough to trouble me. That's how I've grown up, answering self-created questions. Why does it rain? Where does the sun go during the night? Why do we eat food? How does a bicycle move? What is gravity? How does electricity work? Who makes the laws? Why do we vote for the government? Why do people make money an obsession over a simple necessity? Why are the poor and the rich the way they are? Is God fair? Does God even exist?

Books, education, learning, people.. they helped a lot. But sometimes you know that there's no answer. Sometimes the question is void. This question cannot pierce through the mind's peace, but the actions lose importance. No music, no friends can walk you out of the state of nothingness.

Everyone's there and everything's the same. But something's missing. I have lost a considerable amount of trust. Trust that people around had in me. It's obvious and no one has to say it. No one has to deny it.  A phase of my life I had thought I'm a loner. I screwed up. I am happy I'm back. But rebuilding faith takes time. All I need to know is why am I doing it. It helps the cause; knowing what you are at.

Screwing up helps. It's like enlightenment, if taken rightly. Apparently that's the only way out. Way out. My inquisitiveness gets me to a point where I wonder what exactly is the way out? Where does this road go?

With hopes of preserving the life and people I have now, I want to make sure I do not repeat my mistakes.  I don't ever want to be back where I have been. I want to put in a fight. I want to use my strength. And I hate to lose more than I want to win.

This is how I work. I would sit on the night before an exam, half the time I'd invest in planning what I am going to do in the next few hours. Works to perfection, this, for me.

I feel the peace of mind, I love this state of calm. But the ripples, what are they? Does a stationary state exist? What if peace-of-mind isn't a state? Happiness certainly is, an instantaneous one. Treating peace-of-mind as quantitative, maybe it isn't proportional to the number of questions answered. Maybe it grows, like the ever expanding universe. Or maybe it just drops into a fourth dimension, that human mind isn't capable of perceiving.

Sometimes we need time to think. Sometimes we need to stay alone for a while to catch up with our family and friends. Sometime we need Mother Nature and Daddy Destiny to teach us a valuable lesson to carry on. Sometimes we need to strike the right balance between being complacent and being competitive. Sometimes we need to test our strength in the extreme. Sometimes we need to prove our worth, to ourselves. Sometimes the void questions are answered in the void.


Bah! sometimes we need to take a break from thinking all this crap. Sometimes we need to get over this shit. Put an end to everything, and be free. Somethings are best unsaid. That's the awesomeness of an adventure, right there ;-)


Or sometimes we all just wanna be big rockstars, live in hill-top houses, driving fifteen cars..! :P


Anyway, sometimes it is some time. And some time is now.

THE BLAME-GAME

Ages ago, when my namesake, Manu, listed the 4 stages (read: Ashramas) of a man's life, he should've known it wouldn't last. Maybe he did, beacause clearly, and THANKFULLY for me and my friends, the Hindu mythology doesn't sport as much rigidity. Change is inevitable. Like shit. The ashramas were categorized as follows:

• The First Ashrama: "Brahmacharya" or the Student Stage
• The Second Ashrama: "Grihastha" or the Householder stage
• The Third Stage: "Vanaprastha" or the Hermit Stage
• The Fourth Stage: "Sanyasa" or the Wandering Ascetic Stage

Must say.. Manu, the oldie was quite an ambitious fellow to have projected man's age upto effing 100! That's a number for God-s. Read: Sachin. So I did what I was destined to. The similarity between Neo, Manu, Noah etc is that we are ONE of a kind. We are saviors of humanity. We are trend-setters. And we love Trinity, er..!

I thought I would propose a newer model to humanity; a version which is state-of-the-art. After ruminating over hundreds of categories, the most suited and most uniformly applicable version that was realized upon statistical analysis is what I am presenting here.

An average Man's(or woman's, make no judgments!) life can be categorized upon what/who he is whining for/at. It's a game us homo-sapiens play all our lives. The Blame Game. And boy, do we love it! Exactly what my idea is of dividing the human life. Kick-ass, I know.


Age 0 to 6 years : Blame no one but just cry, randomly.


Age 7 to 12 years: Blame your teachers.


Age 13 to 18 years: Blame your parents.


Age 19 to 23: Blame the #&$%ing education system(read: Exam paper-setters!).


Age 24 to 30: Blame your girl\boy friend + Blame your boss.


Age 30 to 40: Blame your Father-in-law.


Age 41 to 50: Blame the Government.


Age 51 to 60: Blame the Government + Blame your son/daughter.


Age 61 to 70: Blame the Government + Blame your son/daughter + Blame your pension-plan


Age 71 to 80: Blame the Government + Blame your son/daughter + Blame your pension-plan + Blame the Cable Guy


Age 81 to RIP-moment: Blame everyone and whine, randomly...


It's more peaceful a life, and more blissful a death when you know there's someone you can smudge clean your conscience over, is it? Get a life, bitches!
Am I wrong? Maybe! But how famous lines are those? :P

Et tu, Brute? Then, fall Caesar!

GROWING UP!

I didn't wanna grow up! I still don't.. And now that I've turned 23 I don't have much choices. But interestingly, my life still appears to be moulded, beaten and bent towards it's subtle nuances, much like childhood. MY PRECIOUS! O yes sire, I do love keeping things simple. But walking on this particular road means a shit-loads of crap being thrown at me. So much for the days, young and honest ;-)

To be fair to this world, I was given enough time. Those were the cooler times, when I could lose my brand new water-bottle first day at school, just bother enough to check out the lost property box.. and never find it, and still not care!

Not caring helped. Now I wonder how those little boys and girls I called friends, don't matter any more, now that they are gone. But some of them had big impacts upon me, the way I faced this challenge called life! I realized this when an old classmate thanked me for supporting him in those days. I didn't ever realize that I was helping, in a way it just felt big to him.
I have my own list. Sometimes I wanted to track them down and thank them for everything. Sometimes I did!

Growing up is hard, and there's a special place for those who can stand by me when I have no clue.. about anything! Apparently there was a Columbus inside each one us. I just wish I could let that little fellow soar free into the seas never explored, and eventually find a piece of land(for the never-growing-up's) and a peace of mind. Even better, because now I know what people I'd want with me on THAT trip. Except the fact, that all of them are gonna think I'm a jerk to be talking of this crap! ;-)

Although there's a big question I'd ask myself, "Why always me?" But I guess that's upon every kid's head.. and soon we ALL figured it out for ourselves, it's because I am freaking SPECIAL!

How I always was that little-guy in the class, with not-a-one-person who did not like me.. How I always managed to impress people around me with absolutely nothing funny in my talks..How that old Canadian lady in 5th grade, would give me star's and good's in creative writing classes - just for writing in my comprehension, that I can smell the samosa's in the canteen, and I can't resist anymore as this class goes on! In 7th grade, another English teacher, a British guy, learnt just enough Hindi to dedicate me the lines, "छोटा वीर, चलाये तीर"!! How my gang would be caught shop-lifting at a store 10kms away from home. How scoring highest marks in a subject after having failed in the previous test meant revenge..it meant smearing shit on that teacher's face..

Times were hard too..I hate how I never got to thank my class teacher in 8th standard.. for saving my year when I had a 40% attendance! More because I'd seen her coming out of Principal's room, crying. Or maybe because I heard that old principal shouting at the sweetest lady on earth..or because I'd changed my school soon after.. or maybe because I learnt that she had passed away due to some illness the very next year...
Anyway, her face is as fresh as her smile, in my memories. And some Thank-You's are best unsaid!

Hah! I miss that. I miss being cool about everything. I miss how everyone around me other than elders, used to be cool about everything. I miss that awkward smile I'd give when I would get caught doing something wrong. I miss the times when friends meant life. I miss when we didn't fear any of us moving away. I miss the times when they won't regret anything I had to say. I miss the part where I didn't miss a thing!

Boy oh boy! I've not given up yet.. Scores level. Although a friend of mine, she thinks that this part of my life is called "growing up"..

To be continued..

(much like my struggle!)

♫Forever Young - Joan Baez

2012!

It's midnight. You've been in your bed, sleeping like a log. But the uneasiness inside your tummy makes you jump outta that blanket in that cold, dark night. The toilet door creaks open in the darkness. And as you reach for the light switch, you see your FATE. It's there, standing with a gun. You manage to put a few words together, "Dude, er.. call of nature.. I ..I.."
The one that saw you through your bad and good days - Your faithful SHITTERY yells, "I ain't gonna take this shit anymore!"
O FLUSH! It was always there..Signs.. Nursery rhymes.. "Water water everywhere.." "Little Miss Muffet, sat on a BUCKET..!" Bucket? Holy Cow!
2012 is here!

So this is what JUDGEMENT DAY must be like! The only match I can imagine is when I'm infront of my wardrobe ripping my clothes apart and I shout out loud, "Where's my new underwear..!?" And the question  echoes infinitely in the continuum. The Beatles, they'd warned! Aaargh! #chokedeath.

13.0.0.0.0 -Looks like an IP address, no? Frock! Not for Maya.. And boy, did SRK say MAYA a million time in that sicko movie! Well, don't we have a scare for that number 13! Also, turns out that date is an equivalent of 21.12.2012

I picked up my cellphone, to check the calendar, and bejeezus.. its a FRIDAY!

FRIDAY, and the Mayan 13th. Ah! multiple-scary-geese-bumps!


Whether or not the world will end, its a WIN-WIN situation for some:

The good news is that Neo is up and running. This year is gonna be a lot of FUN! And I don't wanna miss a thing. Ah! I reminded myself of a movie, quite timely - Armageddon! And by the way - 

On that note,

HAPPY NEO YEAR EVERYONE!